"When troubles come parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and stay only as long as they're receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through . They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent"
So when the infertility came, and came, and came along with the financial burden and the physical health failings. We didn't say "This isn't making me happy and fulfilling me, I'm out." When unemployment came, and moves, and car troubles plagued us, we didn't say " This is your fault and this marriage isn't what I had planned!" and when we reached a decade of infertility and a slew of miscarriages, adoption offers, and foster care assignments ended in an empty home, We didn't say, " Enough! You haven't made me happy and I'm through!" But why?
This answer begins with a video called Fish Love, told by Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski.
Fish love(3) is the common love in contractual love. I love you for what you give me, and if you or this marriage no longer suites my needs, I'm gone. Fish love has a hand in why couples with infertility are 3x more likely to get a divorce. The stress and constant depression from the struggle no longer brings satisfaction or happiness.
Covenant marriage is two-fold. It begins with men and women who complete and perfect each other emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Not because either of the two are perfect at it, but because two opposite and complimentary genders each bring different sides of those attributes together to the marriage. Then as they work on perfecting those attributes within their personal relationship with God, the man and woman separately draw themselves nearer to God. The result is that as they both draw near to God, the draw near to each other. Elder Bednar (4) of the Twelve Apostles for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Days Saints expressed this in the following image.
The second part of a covenant marriage is the context I speak of. Covenant marriage means nothing if it is for this earth only. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints believes that Covenant Marriage is a crucial part of the plan of God for us in this earth. We believe this relationship lasts after death and is the unit that gives us our best chance for success and happiness. From experience I can tell you that this type of marriage, one that you know will last forever, brings that type of commitment out in hard times. It gives you hope and gives you strength to last through anything life throws at you. Each and every time tragedy has rocked us to our core, it has rocked US to our core. The covenant marriage brings a unity and strength that makes you want to lock legs and arms and push your head down to face the battering of the pain headed your way.
This type of marriage raises children in love and security, helps arm them to be good citizens and love and care for their community. President Herbert Hoover once said, "If we could have but one generation of properly born trained, educated, and healthy children, a thousand other problems of government would vanish. We would assure ourselves of healthier minds, more vigorous bodies, to direct the energies of our nation to greater heights of achievement."(5)
This type of marriage does not go unnoticed by Satan. Elder Bednar, again, mentioned that "Satan distorts what matters most to YOU, to your FAMILY, and to the WORLD. He cannot have a body, he can never marry, and he can never have a family. So he will warp the parts of Gods plan that mean the most to us, and that he hates the most. He wants to confuse us and make us unhappy."
Elder Bruce C Hafen again in his article talks about three main ways that Satan tries to do this. He compares certain marriages to a "hireling" that Jesus tells a story about. A contractual person hired to protect the flock, but when danger comes he abandons the flock much like fish love. Jesus of course tells us that he will never leave us. Elder Hafen mentions three wolves that come to break the marriage. (6)
1. Natural Adversity
2. Each persons own imperfections
3. Excessive Individualism ( I only do what makes me happy)
Each of these three wolves is designed to separate a marriage. Each marriage goes through them, whether covenant or contractual. The differences lies in the covenant. When love no longer becomes about how the relationship is satisfying your needs and turns from fish love to external love it elevates it and grounds it at the same time. Let me give you a small example. We had undergone our last hope of all hope fertility treatments, all our energy and money were in it. The day we found out we were in a unique situation. All of my family was in that area for upcoming thanksgiving, and my best friend from out of country was also living in that state for a short time. Every other time we had undergone treatments and the answer came back negative - we were alone. No family, or friends. Here I was emotionally crushed with all the support and love in the world and needing it desperately, yet all I could think of was my husband. My needs no longer mattered. Even when he fell asleep exhausted emotionally from the day and I couldn't sleep, and wanted to call my friend and sister over to comfort me, all I could think of was being there to love him while he slept.
Our dating love may have started out contractual - wanting to see if the other could meet and fill the others needs. But Covenant love, covenant marriage has deepened and grown strong roots, it has blessed my life tremendously as I have given all I have to him, and him to me. And somehow, somehow, when you give all of yourself, you become one. Bound together in eternity. God truly knows all, it is the best way through this life. It's how we have stayed together and will for eternity. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
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