Will You Yield?

I nervously sat on the back porch waiting for my boyfriend to come around. My feelings were hurt by a choice he made to cancel the plans we had made for today, his one day off in 3 months. He did this in order to help his dad move some wood. We were in the critical point of our relationship in deciding whether or not to get married and I felt discarded not being part of the decision to cancel our day. To me this was important. When I expressed my hurt feelings would he get mad? Would he blow me off? Ridicule me? I felt like it was a turning point for us that day, as I waited for him. 

Looking back on it now, over a decade later, I still see it as a turning point. I married that man partially because of how he responded that day. He listened. He apologized. He held me. He didn't criticize be or get defensive. He just listened. The interesting part of that story is when we talk about it today he tells me that he could tell that it was important to me, but to him it just wasn't a big deal. Because it was important to me he chose to listen and help me feel valued.

I chose that man because he taught me that neither one of us was more important than the other. His stopping and listening to my point of view, has in turn, taught me to countlessly return the same actions for and with him, time and time again in our own marriage. 

Dr. John Gottman teaches us that this is called yielding to the other. In his book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", Dr Gottman teaches us the importance of letting your partner influence you. When conflict arises often there is a power struggle. Letting your partner influence you dissipates this struggle as partners do some of these things. Make purposeful choices to show you esteem and respect your partner. You try to hear their side of the situation instead of trying to protect and prove your own point. You choose "us" over "me", you honor your spouse, you make your career less of a priority and your family more of one. When your spouse is upset you search for something within it that you can both agree on. (1)

There is one word that seems to sum up each of these phrases. Selflessness. Selflessness isn't thinking less of yourself, it is thinking more of others and how you can lift them and love them more. 

Unfortunately, this is not todays society. Current society teaches us that we should only be and look for those who make us happy and fulfill our wish lists. As if we are the child and our spouse is Santa. The expectation that we should have a list of needs that should be met while the other selflessly gives, focuses on the individual instead of the couple as a united whole.

H. Wallace Goddard teaches us that this selfishness feeds a persons pride. This pride focuses on the need to fulfills ones own desires and fix others. Goddard teaches us that "God asks us to do the opposite - fix ourselves and to love others" (2) Pride teaches us that we already know what the other person is going to say and we already know that our way is better. Pride stops us from listening and impatiently waits until we can say our proving point knowing that it is smarter and more witty than the next persons. It presupposes that our opinion is better, that we can pretend to listen and be a good spouse, just waiting to drive our point home and win the fight. This only separates us further from one another, bringing coldness, and disrespect into our marriage. 

So what is the cure?  Goddard continues, "The problem is that when we are accused, we dig in our heels. When we approach our partners as spousal renewal projects they are likely to respond in kind. We get caught up in an endless and hopeless tangle of accusation and recrimination. In fact, anytime we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent. We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility." (3)

Humility. Repentance. Faith. These are all cures to the pride and enmity we hold against our spouse. Goddard's advice should ring true to all of us. Irritation should not be an invitation to figure out the argument in our mind at how we can best our spouse with our point of view. It is not a moment to eradicate the annoyance from our lives. It is a God given warning system that the natural man is rising to the surface and gives us an opportunity to best that inner man by chosing to yield to God, repent, and seek to respond as He would. To recognize that we do not know the whole truth, how our partner feels, or the reasons behind what they are doing, but God does, and if we recognize those irritations as a warning system inside of us, to yield to Him, we then  have a better chance that we can act as He would.

So, will you yield?

(1) Gottman, John M., PH.D, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" Pg 125-126

(2) Goddard, H. Wallace PhD, "Drawing Heaven into your Marriage." Pg.69

(3) (2) Goddard, H. Wallace PhD, "Drawing Heaven into your Marriage." Pg.81

(4) Yield Image https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:United_States_sign_-_Yield_(v3).svg