I often have experiences of people complaining to me about their spouse. Usually it's just about a recent fight but sometimes it is more serious. Sometimes the negativity has become a pattern so bad that their complaining becomes something like this. "He squishes the toothpaste in the middle, can you believe it!" or "Last night she talked to her friend for 2 hours! So rude!" In reality these small things had become big obstacles for these couples because so much negativity had been infused in their marriage. Everyday and even positive things were seen through the lens of negativity.
So, as we talked about last week. What is the answer? More communication? More time together? More expression of feelings? Unfortunately, where these things are good, these are in counseling sessions of the past. Current research has shown that emotional intelligence and nurturing a loving friendship are the greatest indicators of a healthy marriage.
So, what does it mean to be emotionally intelligent? "Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed love map…Another way of saying this is that these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage. They remember the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change… Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict.”—Gottman
These couples not only know the intimate details of each others current lives, but also their history, and their hopes about the future, and they know it because they have a desire in their hearts to be a part of each aspect of their partners lives. This creates unity and security. Security of knowing there is someone that cares about you so much that they know the names of the person who is irritating you at work, or your favorite movies, your hopes and aspirations for the future, what really scares you the most inside.
(Curious how good your love map is with your spouse? Go here: https://www.gottman.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Love-Maps-White-Paper.pdf and scroll down to the question exercise at the bottom of the page)
The Gospel of Jesus Christ adds another important building tool of friendship. Sacrifice. After Jesus's resurrection he taught us that He no longer required an animal sacrifice. That our sacrifice was to be a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Goddard in "Drawing Heaven into your Marriage" teaches us that we need to bring our hearts and spirits to the altar when we get married and set our selfish ways on the altar. Maybe they are selfish habits or selfish thoughts. When we get married we should then and continually ask ourselves, what can I sacrifice that will draw me nearer to my spouse?
No one is perfect. Some have a natural friendship that continues to flourish easily, some don't. Some are feeling the brunt of two people who were raised differently trying to come together and make something congruent of their own. Research shows that if you continue to nurture your similarities, your friendship, and look for sacrifices for one another. Your relationship will build and grow into a secure love.
So, as we talked about last week. What is the answer? More communication? More time together? More expression of feelings? Unfortunately, where these things are good, these are in counseling sessions of the past. Current research has shown that emotional intelligence and nurturing a loving friendship are the greatest indicators of a healthy marriage.
So, what does it mean to be emotionally intelligent? "Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed love map…Another way of saying this is that these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage. They remember the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change… Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict.”—Gottman
These couples not only know the intimate details of each others current lives, but also their history, and their hopes about the future, and they know it because they have a desire in their hearts to be a part of each aspect of their partners lives. This creates unity and security. Security of knowing there is someone that cares about you so much that they know the names of the person who is irritating you at work, or your favorite movies, your hopes and aspirations for the future, what really scares you the most inside.
(Curious how good your love map is with your spouse? Go here: https://www.gottman.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Love-Maps-White-Paper.pdf and scroll down to the question exercise at the bottom of the page)
The Gospel of Jesus Christ adds another important building tool of friendship. Sacrifice. After Jesus's resurrection he taught us that He no longer required an animal sacrifice. That our sacrifice was to be a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Goddard in "Drawing Heaven into your Marriage" teaches us that we need to bring our hearts and spirits to the altar when we get married and set our selfish ways on the altar. Maybe they are selfish habits or selfish thoughts. When we get married we should then and continually ask ourselves, what can I sacrifice that will draw me nearer to my spouse?
No one is perfect. Some have a natural friendship that continues to flourish easily, some don't. Some are feeling the brunt of two people who were raised differently trying to come together and make something congruent of their own. Research shows that if you continue to nurture your similarities, your friendship, and look for sacrifices for one another. Your relationship will build and grow into a secure love.
Comments
Post a Comment