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Turn, Turn, Turn

When I think of turning I think of the Hebrew word turn. Shuv. This is also the word used in the Bible for repentance. In a Hebrew course I took, interesting imagery was taught to us. When Adam and Eve were cast Eastward out of the Garden of Eden they called upon the God and heard his voice speaking still, from the Garden of Eden. Symbolically Adam and Eve had to turn away from the way they were going towards the voice of God to hear him clearer. As they repented together they drew nearer to God. 
Remember the Sacred Triangle?


As Adam and Eve repented and drew near to God they also drew nearer to each other.
This doctrine applies to the principle studied this week. Turning toward each other. 
Dr. Gottman teaches us this week that couples are continually making bids for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. This could be something as direct as "Would you rub my feet?" to as indirect as "I'm tired of these stinky socks everywhere" Continually throughout the day these communications are given to each other in hopes of a respectful and supporting response. These responses renew love and trust in each other. In a way it is assurance that you will take their side and be there for them. 
One of the most important things we can do is be conscious of these bids and purposefully turn toward our spouse. As we constantly choose to turn towards our spouse we fill their emotional needs and build a cushion of savings for when challenging times come. 
There are two obstacles that can prevent us from turning toward our spouse.
1. Missing a bid because it is either given to us in frustration or we are already upset.
2. Media distraction
It can be very difficult to see the bid asked of us in anger. It can also be very had to give our spouse what is needed when we are treated this way. As a foster parent I had a two-year-old that was extremely violent to herself, animals, and her siblings. She would scream rage all day and swear constantly. I finally figured it out. Her bid was that she was feeling unsafe and not sure if she was loved. When she would try to break my dog’s legs, it would take everything in me to not be upset but to turn to her and ask, "Do you need a hug?" EVERY SINGLE time the answer was yes. If our spouse is throwing a bid at us angrily, "I'm sick of doing dishes all by myself!" A way we can turn towards them would be "I'm sorry your right, let me do the dishes right now." turning towards your spouse’s when you have had anger dashed at you is difficult, but it opens the ability to create trust and love and security.
The second obstacle is media. When we are engrossed in our phones, tablets, books, or TV we can become unaware of bods for our affection from our spouses. To overcome this, we need to purposefully put down our media when our spouse is talking and look them in the eye. We all do it and we all have missed things our spouses say to us. Putting our media down and focusing on them shows that they are more important ad builds trust in the relationship.
Now back to Adam and Eve. Even as they turned back to God they turned towards each other. Turning towards our spouses often takes a little shuv, a little repentance. Recognizing that pride keeps us from our spouse’s needs. Turning towards our spouse then becomes turning ourselves back to God. We don't worry if they are turning towards our bids, it becomes about creating that safety for them and becoming like God, and most often, even in our own efforts, they in return begin to turn towards us. Together then we become like God, who tell us He never needs to turn towards us, because He is always there.


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