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The Unmovable Center of a Marriage

Last week we talked about covenant marriage versus contract marriage and the difference of the both of them. We also talked about three wolves that try to destroy marriage. Well there is one researcher who has been made famous for his decade long research on marriage. He mentions that he thought he had solved all the problems of marriage and divorce by discovering why they broke up. What he soon came to realize that where the reasons people break up is important, what holds them together remains more important.

This researcher's name is John M Gottman. The book we read this week was called "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work." In his book he said after 25 years of research he can predict withing 15 minutes of listening to a couple, if they will get a divorce. Within every good marriage there was one unanimous thing that marked their marriage as one that would make it. Can you guess what he said stood at the center of each good solid marriage? Good communication? No. The same dreams and goals? No. The same life circumstance? The most alike? Enough money? All no. The center of each and every good marriage is a good solid friendship. He gives specifics of what that type of friendship looks like.
"They talk or text frequently throughout the day. When she has a doctor's appointment, he remembers to call and see how it went. When he has a meeting with an important client, she'll check in to see how it fared. When they have chicken for dinner, she gives him the drumsticks because she knows he likes them best. When he makes blueberry pancakes for the kids on Saturday morning, he'll leave the blueberries out of hers because he knows she doesn't like them. Although he's not religious, he accompanies her to church each Sunday because it's important to her. And although she's not crazy about spending a lot of time with their relatives, she has pursued a friendship with his mother and sisters because family matters so much to him." (1)
This type of friendship not only echoes of love and wanting to make the other happy, but tells a story of service to one another that is reflective of last weeks post on staying together. That love and unity includes sacrificing ones own desires to serve the other, and when we give ourselves to another we unite with them.
The friendship is only the beginning, but a solid one that creates a foundation for each couple to come back to. When in trouble it creates a frame of reference. Instead of being irritated that socks are on the floor again, the spouse thinks kindly of the other. "He must have been in a rush." If the wife snaps at the husband he thinks, " She must have had a rough day." The spouses are able to shrug off the tones and mannerisms because of the friendship they share. Interestingly enough if the friendship dwindles negativism sets in, and the more negative the thoughts, soon the interpretation changes. Instead of thinking her husband must have been in a rush she thinks, " Why doesn't he listen to me, he is so lazy, always leaving socks out." or when she snaps he thinks, "She is always so rude, I'm so tired of her snapping" If the negativism remains, positive thoughts soon are filtered to negative. "Will you help me with the backpack?" Turns into a response of "What, you didn't think I'd help you on my own? Why don't you think more of me?"
No one is perfect, but if we can nourish our friendship in our marriage and turn our actions into ones of selflessness and love, and our thoughts retrained into giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, an friendship can flourish that sustains and roots the marriage to be able to face all adversity.
What can you work on to increase the friendship side of your marriage? In my experience with other relationships than my marriage, the hardest thing can be trying to be the type of friend Dr. Gottman explained above to someone who isn't that kind of friend to you. Also in my experience, when I have been that type of friend to those people, the relationship over time blooms. So you don't have to wait. Find a way today to increase your the friendship in your relationship.
(1) Gottman, John M.and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Random House LLC, 2015

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