Everyone has conflict in
marriage. According to Dr. Gottman, 69% of those problems are perpetual. You
know, the ones that get brought up time and time again and seem to never really
reach a resolution? Perpetual problems don't necessarily have to be a problem.
It is all about how a couple copes with these problems. Some couples can
discuss each other’s perpetual problem characteristics with humor and
expectation. He expects her to always run late, so he sets all the clocks
forward 10 minutes. When she figures it out she has a good laugh and they connect
over their silliness.
If you are unable to
reach the point of simple coping in perpetual problems, you are not
alone!
My husband and I had an
unsolvable solvable perpetual problem when we were first married. It was over
groceries. He would ask if I needed anything on his way home, I would send him
a list, and invariably he would come home with something similar, but not quite
what was needed. Limes instead of lemons, peppers instead of tomatoes, ground
beef instead of steak, stewed tomatoes instead of tomato paste. You get the
idea. He usually was bringing it home just in time for dinner, and it would be
the wrong thing. As a new wife I had no idea how to modify the meal to make it
work, and wanting the meal to be perfect (and being a little hangry) I would be
frustrated at the surprise ingredient. He would take it to heart and be
disappointed in himself, "I thought it was wrong, but I wasn't sure."
To which I would say, "Then why didn't you just call me?" It usually
ended there, but would pick back up in the next couple of days when it happened
again. It happened so often it began to dig a little deeper. To me it became
about him not caring enough to listen to me. To him it became about me being
frustrated at something so small. I wanted to make something nice, so he would
be proud of me. He wanted me to be proud of him for going to the extra effort
of stopping by the store. It got to the point where he stopped asking if he I
needed anything because he didn't want to go around in circles when we got
home.
I'm sure you have an
unsolvable solvable perpetual problem of your own, and your nodding your head
in sympathy to our plight.
Well, Dr. Gottman teaches
us five ways to stop the unstoppableness of our perpetual problems. I'll
share them with you and then share how they resolved our own circular rift.
1.
Soften
your start up
2.
Learn
to make and receive repair attempts
3.
Soothe
yourself and each other
4.
Compromise
5.
Process
any grievances so that they don't linger.
First, in softening the
way you present your frustration you enable the other person to feel relaxed
and receive better what you are saying. I often say, " It's not what you
are saying but HOW you say it." What you are expressing is important,
however if you want that message to be received you will soften the way you say
it. A favorite way I have learned to soften the startup is to take ownership of
part of the problem. "Oh! I'm sorry I wasn't very clear on the list I
should have cleared it up that I needed the larger tomatoes, not the cherry
ones." Here are some of the other soft start up ideas from his book.
Second, learn to make and
attempt repair attempts. Repair attempts are a way for us to say, "Whoa
this is getting taken too far we need to calm down." It can be direct, it
can be humor, it can be indirect. But repair attempts take a problem out of its
never-ending circle and right up until we are no longer dizzy. Repair attempts
cannot just be made, they also need to be recognized so that the other person
calms down too. So, in my example if we are getting frustrated about our
miscommunication over groceries and I realize we are taking it too far I can
say something as simple as, "OK, this is taking a turn for the
worse." Or. "We are going to have funky tacos tonight!" and
laugh. Here are some ideas for repair attempts.
Third, soothe yourself and
each other. When you feel your face flush and your hands tighten into a fist
you are probably experiencing something called flooding. This is where we are
so overcome with emotion that reason no longer crosses our mind. Flooding
happens quicker with males and lasts longer according to Dr. Gottman, which is
also why males try to avoid difficult conversations a lot of the time.
Regardless, both are responsible for identifying when one or both are getting
flooded and try to soothe themselves or each other to a calmer state. In myself
when I find myself getting upset, I take deeper breathes and close my eyes, I
pause, and sometimes say that I need a moment to think through my thoughts.
Here are some other ways you can soothe.
Fourth, compromise. This is explainable.
When you find yourself fighting the same battles repeatedly, stop them by
finding a compromise that takes the battle out of the arena. In our grocery
shopping situation, I agreed to plan better the week before, he agreed that if
he was unsure at the store he would take a picture, I agreed that when he came
home I would thank him for going for me, and in the end, I learned it was just
simply better to laugh at it or say nothing at all.
Fifth, process any
grievances so that they don't linger. Sometimes we go too far, and we create
emotional injury that just doesn't go away. Dr. Gottman teaches us that these
need to be taken care of or they become the perpetual problem that keep getting
brought up repeatedly. Analyzing what happened can help heal injuries and
prevent them later. I learned that my husband’s feelings were getting hurt by
my correcting his grocery shopping. I hadn't thought more of it rather than a
"Oh no! What am I going to do!" until one day he just said, " I
don't want to go grocery shopping anymore, I always get it wrong." I could
see I had hurt him. We talked about our assumptions and feelings behind our
expressions. I was just expressing a frustration and not knowing what I was
going to do. His feelings were hurt that I hadn't been grateful for his help
and even criticized him for it. talking about what we needed to feel from the
other person can help prevent emotional injuries. Here are some ways Dr.
Gottman teaches us how to repair those injuries.
We all do it. We all can
work on preventing it. Even if it's just one spouse. Coping with perpetual
problems using the steps Dr. Gottman outlines above does something great to
marriages, it makes them...solvable. Can you imagine going in and out of your
day, still having the same perpetual problems of your partner, but they don't
bother you anymore? And yours no longer bother them? It creates a sense of
peace, unity, and fun in a marriage that once toiled over trivial things.
What will you try out for
tomorrow?
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