MARRIAGE - THE TIE THAT BINDS US

Throughout this semester I have studied and written about ways in which we can create a more tender, loving, cohesive marriage. One theme seemed to line every page. Unity. Unity in intimacy, unity in friendship, parenting, decision making, responsibilities. The more cohesive a marriage is the more they are on the same page with their goals and values. The couple is able to breeze past the small stuff, and when it really counts, their unity is what gets them through the really tough stuff.   Do you know a couple like this? There is a couple I know and admire that provides this example to me. You would think they have had it easy. The way they laugh through life and smile and hold each other. On any given night you can find them spending time together. They would rather be together instead of with friends. They have been married for almost a decade and a half, and for their entire marriage they have faced insurmountable trials. The entire time I have known them they hav...

Jesus's Christ's love for us is infinite. It incorporates forgiveness, service, patience, wisdom, loving words, tenderness, and a love that is uncritical. This is the type of love that we should have for our spouse, not only emotionally, but physically.  Sean E. Brotherson teaches us in "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage" that often the importance of the physical relationship between husband and wife, gets sidestepped. Too many before marriage, do not study out of the best books to prepare themselves for a sexual relationship in marriage. This can bring about feelings of hesitancy and even fear into the marriage relationship. There can be skewed ideals that one spouse should have more power over their physical relationship than the other, or one spouse may use their desires for sex or desires to not have sex, as a form of control. The first commandment given to Adam and Eve in the garden was to multiply and replenish. Within the same breath was t...

When we come into marriage, somehow, we often come into it with the expectation of a grand adventure that can conquer all. That it is the beginning of some great holiday. What we forget is all those pesky weaknesses we have brought along with us. Somehow, we forget that our partner has brought along their own. The honeymoon staged ends and suddenly, we find ourselves facing blaring irritations that we may have never expected. Some people believe that they can change their partners weaknesses so that they may no longer be irritated by them. Studies by Dr. Gottman show that the more a person focuses on those weaknesses and tries to cure them, the more those weaknesses are magnified in our eyes. The only way to remove these weaknesses is in a unique and eye-opening way. "When we love our partners the way they are, we don't care if they change. That is the very thing that liberates them to change. Acceptance is the key to change in those ares where it is possible."...

Everyone has conflict in marriage. According to Dr. Gottman, 69% of those problems are perpetual. You know, the ones that get brought up time and time again and seem to never really reach a resolution? Perpetual problems don't necessarily have to be a problem. It is all about how a couple copes with these problems. Some couples can discuss each other’s perpetual problem characteristics with humor and expectation. He expects her to always run late, so he sets all the clocks forward 10 minutes. When she figures it out she has a good laugh and they connect over their silliness.  If you are unable to reach the point of simple coping in perpetual problems, you are not alone!  My husband and I had an unsolvable solvable perpetual problem when we were first married. It was over groceries. He would ask if I needed anything on his way home, I would send him a list, and invariably he would come home with something similar, but not quite what was needed. Limes instead of lemons...

I nervously sat on the back porch waiting for my boyfriend to come around. My feelings were hurt by a choice he made to cancel the plans we had made for today, his one day off in 3 months. He did this in order to help his dad move some wood. We were in the critical point of our relationship in deciding whether or not to get married and I felt discarded not being part of the decision to cancel our day. To me this was important. When I expressed my hurt feelings would he get mad? Would he blow me off? Ridicule me? I felt like it was a turning point for us that day, as I waited for him.  Looking back on it now, over a decade later, I still see it as a turning point . I married that man partially because of how he responded that day. He listened. He apologized. He held me. He didn't criticize be or get defensive. He just listened. The interesting part of that story is when we talk about it today he tells me that he could tell that it was important to me, but to him it just wasn...

When I think of turning I think of the Hebrew word turn.  Shuv.  This is also the word used in the Bible for repentance. In a Hebrew course I took, interesting imagery was taught to us. When Adam and Eve were cast Eastward out of the Garden of Eden they called upon the God and heard his voice speaking still, from the Garden of Eden. Symbolically Adam and Eve had to turn away from the way they were going towards the voice of God to hear him clearer. As they repented together they drew nearer to God.  Remember the Sacred Triangle? As Adam and Eve repented and drew near to God they also drew nearer to each other. This doctrine applies to the principle studied this week. Turning toward each other.  Dr. Gottman teaches us this week that couples are continually making bids for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. This could be something as direct as "Would you rub my feet?" to as indirect as "I'm tired of these stinky socks everywhe...